"Life,the Universe and Everything"

{October 17, 2012}   The First Cut Is The Deepest

“I would have given you all of my heart
But there’s someone who’s torn it apart
And she’s taken just all that I had
But if you want I’ll try to love again
Baby I’ll try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest…”

– Rod Stewart

This used to be one of my favourites when I was 16 – surprisingly introduced to me by my then best friend and now ex-BF…And I rediscovered how much I enjoy it now…I always had a thing for “words”, “quotes”, “lyrics”, etc…and when you say the exact right words in the exact right moment those words are just so beautiful…I know, I know – I sound like a nerd but this is something only a word-a-holic would understand because 9 out of 10 times words fail us…

How many times have we thought – “if only I had the right combination of words which will make the person understand but not offended”, “if only I could not hurt you by being direct but at the same time still be honest…”, “if only I wasn’t so scared to give you what you need to know but words are so harsh…”, “it was meant to be a joke…why couldn’t the person see the funny side of the words?”, etc, etc – I go through this dilemna too many times – the older I get, the more I seem to care about “my words”…gone are my carefree days when I genuinely didn’t give a fuck or care for anyone who gave a damn about me…Selfish?! Yes, that has always been a strength of mine and let me tell you – its not easy! You have to have a rock-solid heart and mind to be shamelessly selfish — age is making me weak…Sigh!

Coming back to the song under consideration, no I’m not going to make this yet another post about how “upset” I am about my broken relationship…its been a good 3 years and I guess, everyone is getting sick of me mopping around (so I shall keep my thoughts to myself for a change! ;)). This is more about new beginnings (and I genuinely feel I don’t need any!)…So I have half the world…well half of “my” world pestering me to start dating…yes, yes common thing when people are happy and in love they just start seeing the world through rose glasses and want to get everyone else into this rose room…and I am not denying the fact that it is a beautiful room but people who live outside the rose room do see life as it is – complete with the thorns…so forgive me if I am cynical about the temporary existence of this “rose room”.

An interesting thing happened to me today – well a guy who I know fairly decently asked me (over the phone) if I would like to marry him. I’m usually good at sensing these things for other people but when it comes to me I am plain thick and stupid. So the emotions that went through me were – “shock, flattered, amused, WTF, you got to be kidding me?, flabbergasted, do people now a days don’t go through the dating phase? (I have been out of the dating market for 6 years now – so forgive me if I don’t know much!), ego boost, ummm, errrr, more shock, are you serious?” — now PLEASE tell me one-word that can describe all of that?!! I will gift someone a million dolalrs if they do so (ok I would be holidaying in the Bahamas if I had a million dollars to give away but you get the point right? Its freaking impossible.)

I know, you must be thinking I’m pondering over the right word when you guys probably wanna know how this ended – well to make a long story  short, it was his idea of a joke to embarass me I suppose and ended with a “gotcha” moment…To think about it this is the 2nd time this joke (well a similar one) has been played on me. The first time was when I was 19 and yet again it was over the phone done by a guy who later became one of my closest friends and I remember my face had become “white” as he said what he had to and hung up asking me “to think about it” – another friend who was on the train (Ms. Y) with me told me “you look like you saw a ghost”, hence I know…And at that point all I could think was “WTF”…so obbviously age has also made me more complicated. ;) Anyway, I received a call in a few minutes saying that I was on speaker phone and it was a dare…and the funny part is I asked this current guy – let’s refer to him as Mr. X – “Am I on speaker phone?”…here I thought I forgot that 7 year-old incident which obviously I didn’t…

But today’s incident with Mr. X got me reminded of a very detailed conversation I had with Ms. Y, 7 years ago, on this matter. I remember I had laughed it off and was kind of relieved because I didn’t want to spoil my relationship with any friend as I didn’t feel the same. Ms. Y (an older and more matured friend of mine!) on the other hand thought that in 7 out of 10 situations if a guy/girl, who is already a good friend, likes you (and you don’t really like anyone else) – the girl/guy  automatically starts thinking about it and sometimes responds…Hence, the joke ends up being on the person who cracked it and is rather mean to the other person…It didn’t make much sense to me then but it makes sense now…

Disclaimer: NO, I’m not thinking about mr. X – ok may be I am but what I’m trying to figure out is should I be pissed or should I laugh or should I be uncomfortable about this?!….Ofcorse, Ms. Z (another close friend) is to blame for my confusion because obviously she was rather pissed with Mr. X for spoiling her ending of the Mills & Boon novel she was putting together in her head with me being the central character (she just loves me and wants me to be happy! But we just discussed the rose room concept ;))…I was just highly amused when I narrated the story but then the series of rather innovative abuses from her made me wonder “Wow! Am I supposed to be pissed?!”…And when she asked me what my take was – I was like, “I am amused…” and laughed about it. Ofcorse I was abused for laughing it off but my thought process was more along the lines of – “I don’t think I would have had anything to offer Mr. X (or anyone) if he wasn’t joking…not because I don’t like him but because…I just don’t want another whirlwind – it has taken a lot to get my sanity back…” – I know its dramatic and I could/would/should try again but I want to remain exactly where I am with the most dependable person I know i.e. myself…

Ms. Z, ofcorse, ended the conversation with a surprisingly deep question – “I don’t get you, you are not as happy as I remember you to be and I know you will be happier with someone but this someone isn’t going to fall like manor from heaven…so don’t you want to make an effort for this? Mr. X is an ass but then again there are a lot of asses around which makes finding Mr.One-who-makes-you-happy a more difficult process but you have to start somewhere…think about it?”…To which I answered, “I am becoming a nun as I just don’t have it in me anymore…!” and laughed again because I thought both the incident and the fact that Ms. Z was so pissed (and I wasn’t!) was amusing. This, ofcourse, further pissed Ms. Z off and made her hang up…

However, it did leave me with an annoying question – “So what exactly am I feeling right about now?!???” – I was pretty sure it was “relief” but now I don’t know anymore…I have too many skeletons in my wardrobe and clouds above my bed…so I don’t know…


I am going to go and try to sleep this off and do what I do best when I don’t have a solution/answer to something – “Run and/or Hide and/or Pretend it didn’t happen”…

Meanwhile, those who are interested in the song by Rod Stewart, please find it below. :)

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