Leave your boyfriends behind

I’m not ready
and I’m not even close
I’m not like the rest
No, i ain’t like most
So don’t hold your breath
And don’t count to ten.
I’m still messing up
Gonna do it again.

So lets go out late
Drink a lot
Stay up past eight and then dance
Dance all night
Leave our boyfriends behind.
Leave our boyfriends…

One hand on the trigger
and one eye out for ghosts
One foot on the floor
and one glass in the toast
We’re not ready
and we’re not even close
We’re not like the rest
No, we ain’t like most

So lets go out late
Drink a lot
Stay up past eight
And then dance
Dance all night
Leave our boyfriends behind
Leave your girlfriend behind

Oh, lets go out late
Drink a lot
Stay up past eight
And then dance
Dance all night
Leave our boyfriends behind

Oh lets call our friends
And pretend
We’ve got ages till the sun
Comes along
Till the end of the this song.

Oh, lets go out late
Drink a lot
Stay up past eight
And then dance
Dance all night
Leave your girlfriend behind
I’ll leave my boyfriend behind…

- Leona Naess

How to be alone…

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn’t mean you’re not connected, that communitie’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn’t get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

- Tanya Davis

The Last Ride Together

“…Then we began to ride. My soul

Smoothed itself out, a long-cramped scroll

Freshening and fluttering in the wind.

Past hopes already lay behind.

What need to strive with a life awry?

Had I said that, had I done this,

So might I gain, so might I miss.

Might she have loved me? just as well

She might have hated, who can tell!

Where had I been now if the worst befell?

And here we are riding, she and I…”

- Verse 4, Robert Browning

Blank

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Writing is like my best friend. I pick up a pen and paper to write about anything that fancies me. I am in a particularly bad mood and figured that I should write a blog post. And I am a complete blank…so I should have probably just closed the browser but thought of spending some time on the page to give time for inspiration to strike – well I should have know that’s not happening…so I just waited and waited till I realised I really can’t think of one emotion, any experience, anyone, anything, any place, etc, etc – nothing that was worth writing about…

I was thinking about writing about the many not so know auto-immune diseases and life for people with it it but then again nothing much to write…which already hasn’t been written about.

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And well I really feel a complete blankness…like an empty blackboard, an empty vessel and pretty much nothing seems to evoke any extreme passion or emotion or opinion…which is strange…and I am done fiddling around with words hoping that inspiration will strike as I type words…which is obviously not happening…

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Hence going back to work.

Dead or Alive?

I was having a discussion the other day and someone asked “Do you think its easier to get over someone who is dead or someone who left you aka a broken relationship/divorce?”

And I was speechless…for a very long time before I could say I prefer them dead. Why? Because hope is a bitch. As long as a person is alive there is hope which just doesn’t let you forget/move on completely…once the person is dead for good or bad or ugly – its over.

Having said that, each will go through its own cycle of Resentment, Anger, Acceptance and Sorrow…and here’s hoping that after you are sick of being sad, you find some new reason to be happy as well…sometime you do and sometimes you don’t…there are some people who just have sad lives (while some have very happy ones, and some more have balanced ones…)…so if anyone tells you “it all works out in the end” tell them they have NOOO idea what they are talking about…

What do you think? Dead or Alive?

Bitter-sweet-sucker-punch

“…It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something’s gonna change…

..there’s a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust.
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough…”

- Don Henley

To your future girl who will replace me…

There are just a couple of things that I thought I should tell you. I learned these while I was the object of your guy’s affection.

First of all, don’t be frightened if he smothers much more love on you than you had expected. Don’t be surprised if he treats you much better than any other guy you have ever met. And let it not scare you that he will actually listen carefully to every word you say, even when you’re just speaking quietly. Also, you should know that he remembers everything you will say.

He’s hurt easily, especially by the painful words a careless girl will say. If you do hurt him, then you’ll have to pay the price of seeing the broken look in his passionate and deep brown eyes, and watch the light in them fade. But if this happens, all is not lost- a kiss and an “I love you” can heal anything. And please, don’t say I love you to him, unless you really mean it, nothing hurts him more then someone who really doesn’t care. Sometimes, he won’t tell you what he is feeling, but… just know that he is protecting you and if you ever feel that something isn’t right, just look into his beautiful brown eyes and you will be able to see into him. You can see everything he is feeling, everything he is thinking, everything that isn’t right with him… He won’t ever try to hurt you, because he just isn’t that way, so please don’t hurt him because if you do, I don’t think I could ever forgive you. I don’t think there could ever be a worse feeling in the world than knowing that you have the boy that I love and knowing that you hurt him. You should know that if you two ever get into a fight, just make sure you pick only the ones worth fighting for… He will always keep his temper and will never curse at you or call you names, despite the anger he may be feeling.

Though he may act mature, most of the time, once he’s given you his heart, he will begin to open up to you and his silliness will make your heart smile, in a way that words cannot explain. Don’t hold a tight grip on him, let him go and be part of the world and experience new things. You will find that he is a busy guy and that he is so very independent. Sometimes, he will need his space, but don’t worry… He’ll always make time for you and even when you’re not around, you’ll be in his thoughts. You will find that he isn’t like any other guy that you have met, so please don’t take him for granted. When it comes to his money, don’t take advantage of that, He will be so unselfish with it, because that is the way he is.

Remember, He likes blue better than black, wheat-ish complexion better than fair, Pizzas win over any other food – Paneer and Mushrooms almost equally as much, Family before Career, Three-quarters for comfort, a face-wash is an absolute necessity, and even though he won’t admit it, he really does like to be surprised although very awkward about receiving gifts. Oh and he absolutely hates wet toilet floors and wet towels on the bed…has recently taken a liking for swimming and dancing…

He is less tough than he may appear, you just have to take the time and let him bring down his guard… He is so sweet and so amazing and know that if you ever leave him, you will break his heart apart, the same way that my heart breaks apart, as I sit here writing this to you.

Don’t ever try to pull him away from his dreams or push him to do anything – he takes his time to decide. He is going to be an extremely successful CIO and won’t ever let you give up on your dreams, either. He will encourage you to become everything you can be and will never, ever let you down.

He likes it when you kiss his ear (and many other places) and nothing is better than hugging each other. Just watch how your hand will fit perfectly into his and when it does, it seems as if nothing in the world could hurt you, because he is there. And when he puts his arms around you and tells you that you are the girl he loves, you will know, there isn’t any guy in the world better than him…

Don’t ever let him go. You will regret doing so, for the rest of time… I promise, you will.

- Hollies Quotes with some of my own tweaks…

Heart Breaks

This seems to be a season for heart breaks….Yet another friend of mine seemed to be crying over his latest broken relationship (of 5 years) – its funny how people come to me when I am personally quite a disaster when it comes to my personal life…I guess those who can’t practice, preach indeed…

Anyway, so I was thinking about how there a 1000 books out there that talk about “How to get him/her back”…”How to patch up relationships”…etc which are pack of rubbish and ofcourse there are zillion books who tell you “how its going to be alright…”, “have faith in God”, “Jesus is the answer”..”Budhism wahses your karma away”, etc…So I decided to take a dig at my own take on dealing with heart breaks (and for that matter any drastic life situation which impacts you emotionally and is beyond rational control or repair…)…And most of you already know what I am going to say but just that sometimes we need a reminder…

SO…

…The first and foremost thing, which I also remember reading in this lovely book called Wasted…is that there is NEVER a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why things happen, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn’t one… It eventually comes in bits and pieces much much later and when these pieces of revelation comes you try to stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up…

No!!!

These revelations will still not make you feel complete again…

(no matter how many close friends and family tell you – they are saying it to make you feel better, because they care and can’t say anything but the truth is they are lying)

and no you will never be the same…there will still be holes and you will feel incomplete and messy like a rag doll, like a puzzle with missing pices…a part of you which will always be empty/incomplete…

BUT the one truth is you WILL eventually get used to the new you that is made from the left-overs of the old you and then eventually time/life/experiences will add new facets to the old left overs and that will be the evolving new you…and at the end of the day you are all that you have and so you must be enough. There is no other way…You just have to believe that you will survive…

The unbearable pain which you feel right now will just become a part of you and you feel stop feeling it so acutely eventually…You will know how to compartmentalize your pains/sorrows/hurt/memories/love/etc so that it doesn’t effect your daily life (as much as possible!)…you WILL (have to?) be able to put on a farce (in the beginning) such that no one else will know your personal hell and you will start going to work, eat, sleep, meet friends and everyone will think things are back to normal (but no – its the new you that will be considered normal…because you will learn there is no point in washing dirty linens in public…)…Time will teach you to act and in the process of acting you will eventually believe in the new you and just be…

Its a hope – a hope for everyone who needs one.

So what next?
Well, don’t force yourself to forget because you will NEVER forget – time will make it a distant memory which will be as fresh as yesterday if you try to recall it hence the idea is to try to put it in one corner of your mind and lock it up ….and just ACCEPT (not fight it – not try to understand why, etc – because you will have no answers…for the lucky few who have definite answers it is easier but mostly you have no answers…and only what-ifs..so why think?!) – just accept that it was BAD LUCK and you can do nothing to fix it (so stop looking for ways to fix it and fall for all those people in this world who want to take advantage of your emotions – witch craft, religion, prayers, priests, stones,astrology, faith in God, etc, etc — they will give you false hopes and nothing else. Trust me – I have been there and done everything and more)…Just slowly try to lock everything up in one corner of your mind and believe you will survive, you will make it through – this won’t happen over-night but try…slowly…one step at a time…

You will survive!

You are all that you have  and you have to be enough!

You will survive!

You have to be enough…

Yaadein

Nagme hai…

shiqwe hai…

kisse hai…

baatein hai…

baatein bhool jaatein…

yaadein yaad aati hai…

ye yaadein kissi dilo jaanam ke…

chale jaane ke baad aaate hai….

Yadeein…hay yeh Yaadein..

 

Jo bhi main kehna chaahun…

Barbaad kare alfaaz mere…

Kabhi mujhe lagey ke jaise,

Saara hi yeh jahaan hai jadoo

Jo hai bhi aur nahin bhi hai yeh

Fiza ghata hawa bahaarein

Mujhe kare ishaare yeh

Kaise kahoon, kahani main inki

Jo bhi main kehna chaahun…

Barbaad kare alfaaz mere…

 

Meri bebasi ka bayaan hai

Bas chal raha haina is ghadi…

Is lamhe kya kar jaaoon…

Is lamhe kya kar doon main jo mujhe chain mile aaram mile…

 

Har pal har lamha main khud se yeh kehta rehta hoon…

Tujhe bhula diya..ooo…

Tujhe bhula diya, oh…

Tujhe bhula diya, ohh…

Phir kyun teri yaadon ne mujhe rula diya…Mujhe rula diya…

 

Main hasrat mein ik uljhi dor hua…suljha de?…

Main dastak hoon tu band kivadon sa…khul ja re ho?!…

O Mujhpe Karam Sarkar Tera…

Araz Tujhe,

Karde Mujhe, Mujhse Hi Riha…

Ab Mujhko Bhi Ho, Deedaar Mera…

Karde Mujhe, Mujhse Hi Riha…

Mujhse Hi Rihaaaaaaaa…

Kun Faya Kun…Kun Faya Kun…

Random Ramblings

Every weekend I go on an over-drive and come to conclusions on various facts and none of the facts ever tell me anything but yet again tells me some things – I know that probably makes no sense to anybody…it doesn’t much to me…oh well!

So here goes some of the ramblings:

1. Life: The biggest irony of life is the fact that it is absolutely NOT logical. And humans TRY to make sense of it by applying logic to it and logic happens to come from our knowledge. But what we forget is by the 80-20 rule – we have no knowledge of 80% of life’s mysteries and hence our logic is stunted. Thus, I should trying to figure out the what, why, how, etc of my life – but I might as well go crazy wondering what the hell am I doing? And I am just all the time so angry and bitter that I often don’t like myself – so won’t be surprised if others don’t like me.

2. Relationships: Differences between 2 people are always there and will always be there — but what is important that they are not different when it comes to the important/big decisions of life. The smaller differences can always be compromised or sacrificed and in the bigger picture it doesn’t really matter – you can kiss and make-up. But the big stuff – you have to be on the same plan when it comes to those. So the question is what are the big stuff? That’s a very individual thing — so what are mine? Honesty – I am pretty much willing to compromise about everything else. Another friend of mine, listed Honesty and Girl’s ability to cook for him – everything else was adjustable…Yet another friend thought Health and Financial Stability was a definite yes for her – rest can be managed…

3. Love: It doesn’t always win in the end…the person not necessarily returns if you let them go…you hold too tight and it will slip-away but if you don’t hold it tight enough it will fly away…if you give your all – it will hurt like a bitch when it doesn’t work and if you don’t give your all trying to protect yourself from the hurt- well then it won’t work anyway…love, relationships and marriage is like 3 different circles in a venn diagram with a small part that over-laps and very very very few people fall in that category – mostly the 3 have got nothing to do with each another…

Shakespeare might have said that love is not love which alters when it alteration finds but then again your life is not some Shakespearean novel – so love definitely changes with time because people change with time…point being falling in love is probably the most exciting feeling possible…but get carried away by all the poetry you hear about it being forever, etc, etc – because it may or may not be true – and the lesser expectations you have the easier it is…just a more practical approach but not necessarily a romantic approach…

4. You: It’s never about you in life. It’s not you that anyone looks at. And you should never let it be about you, because then you’re screwed…Out of the 1000 times you have been asked “how are you?” – all the person expects you to say is “I’m good – don’t even bother going into saying anything else because then you will be considered mad or weird” – No! It is definitely not about you and no one gives a damn about you. So there is you and then there is your life…and you have to keep both of them separate…and you just have to be somewhere else while life goes on. But I don’t know where that somewhere else is, you know? Or how to do that… What more – life doesn’t make it easier — you have everything but you actually have nothing….you see people with nothing and feel jealous about how they have everything you want…All your life you work towards being “somebody” and when you become that “somebody” (in other people’s eyes) you still realise you are a nobody and then you don’t know what else to do and you can’t ask because everyone else will think you are crazy…and when you don’t become that “somebody” – you just have “what-ifs”…So yes, its not about you – because if you have to make it about you – you will need to live in a jungle – speaking of which if you really think about it I often feel that we live in a jungle made of bricks and mortar with zillion rules which may or may not make sense…hence the real jungle just might be a better place where it is definitely more about you if you want to survive…but then again I say this because I am not in the jungle…we keep chasing after things we don’t have because we feel may be that might help make sense of me and my life but it just might not…so what will? I don’t know – as of now, I just know I live 2-lives — one for the benefit of society and one which I live with myself…What do I want? I just want to be free and happy with a bit of peace thrown in. Funny part is a zillion shoes in your cupboard, dozen new clothes, buckets of chocolate, litres of alcohol, enough smokes to actually feel you might fly, a 1000 prayers, an account full of money, 20 smiling friends, loving family, stable relationships, religion, philosophy, etc, etc —- none of it can buy you that happiness and peace…so what can? I don’t know…

So why am I sitting here and writing a post which is just a juxtaposition of thoughts and questions…I really don’t know…if every thought/question equals to an ant – I feel like there are like a zillion ants crawling all over my head (get the visual?) at any given time or I am below this ocean of thoughts and I just can’t come to surface and I will just keep suffocating and die one fine day trying to find that gasp of fresh air…

So what do I do? I write…I write for myself.

Am I crazy? I probably am but hey didn’t someone somewhere say that those who dance are often considered to be insane by those who can’t hear the music…so I dance.